Alright, I have heard the moaning and groaning. I will start posting again to this blog. Let the cheering commence. I actually almost deleted it, but I finally took pity on the three people that follow me and decided to be a better person than that. Therefore as your reward you get to hear my latest rant...Oldness.
What the heck! Why do we have to get old. And fat, what is up with that? And why do they combine it the way they do. Old and Fat. I am really bugged about the whole situation. If you live to be 80, you get about 25,(29 if you take care of yourself) years to look fabulous. Than you get 55 years of ugly? What kind of deal is that? Your not even a grown up for 18 of those 25 years. So really, you only get like 7 years to enjoy it. But your self-esteem is so shot from being a teenager that you don't even realize that you are fabulous until your turn 30. THEN you look back and think, wow, wish I could look like that again. But it's too late, you are 30 and you now have some crows feet coming in, and there is some flubby jiggle on your thighs, and what is that?? A hair? A hair growing out of your chin!?!?! So you work out, you pluck the hair, you eat healthy, try not to smile or frown too much, and look again. What? You look exhausted. You stayed up till 9:10 and now look like a zombie. You used to be able to stay up till 4am, and wake up looking refreshed and ready to go. Now if you don't get a full 18 hours of sleep, you look like you've been up for a year.
And your voice, there is something different about your voice, it has a nag to it. A "stop doing that, don't break that, leave it alone, don't forget this, trash is not a toy, are you listening, don't hit your brother, look out for the wall, I don't know where your shoe is, why are you naked, water stays in the tub, we don't eat bugs, not right now" sort of nag. What happened? You used to be fun and pleasant and energetic. You used to walk out the door and not care if you had makeup on, because you looked good either way. Now there are looks, looks from younger people that tell you "you really should have put some makeup on."
I know someone older than me is going to say, "you are still young and you should appreciate it while it lasts." Well guess what? I am not appreciating it, because the bad news is that it just keeps getting worse! I see my future and it involves 4 hour workouts on 600 calories a day, with a two hour makeup session, two hours more of meditation and than 18 hours of full sleep. All in the name of beauty. Just thinking about it makes me feel exhausted. And of course it is nearly midnight so I am adding to the wonderful bags below my eyes. I think I will just go eat a pizza, yes a whole pizza, stay up all night, and skip my workout. There is no use fighting it any more. This is who I am.
9 comments:
Oh my goodness, this was so, so funny. I know it was meant to be like a purging of the soul and all, but can I direct some blog traffic your way and share a good laugh with others? You should do a stand up routine off this! Next ward talent show! Hehehe...
I'm glad you are back! :) It IS about time! I SO get you on this post. I laughed right out loud and then thought about it....and now not so funny. Because I understand. Yesterday I spent 20 minutes in front of the mirror inspecting my hair for gray hairs. What the!? Since when do I get gray hairs!? This is not good I tell ya. Not good at all. :/
That's really funny Tannie! In a Dave Barry sort of way. :) What a great satirical writer! Love it. Can't wait to see y'all!
I want to laugh and cry at the same time while reading this. I feel lots older than I think I should, I feel much to round and recently the man that lives with me, the one that should be telling me that I look great even when I look like a train wreck has pointed out that I have dark circles under my eyes, and is there anything that I can do about it. Well yes there is something that you could do about it, it involves a vacation away from crazy children who have given me the "nagging voice" who wake me up at unheard of hours in the morning and sleep, something that seems to allude me no matter how hard I try to obtain it.
But lets be honest, even if I had some time away all would return just like before and I would still be too round and in 6 more weeks I will be even more sleep deprived and trying to run a circus as kids are coming and going from school. So I think that I will just pretend that I am not hearing the comments about my haggard looking state, and eat a large fudge brownie concrete from Shakes, and think about the days when I am old and wrinkled and people have to be nice to me.
So glad to have you back posting. I have missed your witty and clever take on the life that you lead and the family that you take care of.
Oh my gosh Tannie. So glad I saw your link to this on facebook. This is hilarious. I will take your advice and try to enjoy what's left of my 20s. No fair I had kids during it to give me flubb that apparently wasn't supposed to hit until I'm 30? boo.
I am so glad you are back....I have felt the exact same way...it is a good thing I get my nice body back in the next life or there would be some serious trouble! I am glad we only have to get old once. That is certainly enough for me.
It's a good thing that those that know and love you think you are a wonderful mom, beautiful, fashionable, and kind.
This was funny!! So true. I wish I didn't nag or complain about my weight all the time. Lets look on the bright side they say that 40 is the new 30 right? haha!
Hilarious!! I can't tell you how often I look back at old pics that I used to *hate* and now would pay money to look that *bad* again, LOL!
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